Putin Pitches Prigozhin Plunge: Despots Do Defenestrations, Not Plane Games

In an episode best characterized as a mashup of "Sherlock Holmes meets Russian Doll with a hint of Putin's signature innocence," we squint through the media fog to Vladimir Putin's stolid stare. He's just heard the news of his favorite meal maker, geopolitical pawn and, until recently - frenemy. Evgeny Prigozhin's unanticipated aviation misfortune not withstanding . Putin, without a scintilla of irony, assures everyone, "I wouldn't dream of aircraft sabotage; it lacks the intimate charm of a good defenestration."

Putin, our darling modern-day Caligula, takes the reins of Russia with the flair of a Bolshoi ballet master, seamlessly transitioning between ringing the Orthodox bell and strutting shirtless on horseback. However, his affections in the domain of preferred elimination methods remain loyally old school - defenestration, the art of exiting via the window.

"So here's the thing," he quips, a twinge of nostalgia flavouring his tone, "Why default to crude pedestrian methods such as plane sabotage when you can embrace the refined élan of a brisk defenestration?" Putin's professed dedication to tradition in an age where scandals tend to go digital faster than you can say "Fake News!" is oddly comforting—a hark back to a simpler era, where one's enemies were launched rather than liked.

Before you recline into complacency, let's consider the compelling narrative seasoning this disaster soup. Putin's fingerprints, if observed closely, seem like reasonable ingredients. But would our Vlad stoop to such banal, pedestrian methodologies, disregarding his intimate love for the good old window toss? That's what makes this dish of deception so devilishly delightful – the dash of doubt. It's not like the guy got poisoned, bozhe moy!

As we continue to dissect the intriguing meat of Putin's crime aesthetics, recall the nefarious undertone encircling this geopolitical Groundhog's Day: "In Russia, windows defenestrate you." Therefore, in this charmingly grotesque tapestry of jets, jests, and jousts, we end on a safety note for our dear readers: Digest Putin's claims with a pinch of salt and ensure your meal ends before the dessert of defenestration.

Watch this space for our upcoming deep-dive, "The Defenestrated Despot: High-rise or High-dive?", where we explore magnificent expulsions from Manchurian mansions to Bolshevik balconies. Until then, remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an oligarch. Keep your windows locked and your parachutes handy. Sit two feet away from the nearest window on your next dinner date with our beloved Vlad, if possible. You know, just in case.