The uproar was ignited after a recent scientific study claimed that starfish, and their echinoderm relatives, lack 'anterior-posterior patterning', a scientific term apparently indicating forward-and-back body development. The starfish community, which has no brain or heart by the way, found this body-shaming language deeply offensive.
'It's salacious, internal organ-based discrimination,' said Sammy Star, self-proclaimed spokesperson (despite lack of mouth) for the Starfish Union. 'Just because we don't have a privileged tube-like structure and have radial symmetry doesn't make us any less. Plus, we can regenerate, they should try doing that with their fancy bilaterally symmetrical bodies.'
Admittedly, it's hard to see where one starfish starts and another ends, but the union is seeking legal advice on this matter. 'Our lawyer, although admittedly a sea cucumber, is confident we have a strong case here,' Mr. Star added elaborately.
Not only are starfish rising against this scandalous revelation. Sea urchins, sand dollars, and other echinoderms are showing solidarity, staging a series of slow-motion underwater protests. Sea cucumbers, ever pragmatic, lodged their protest by ejecting their internal organs (a sea cucumber's preferred defense mechanism), an act seen by many as a 'take that' to the body-centered bias of bilateral animals.
The scientific community meanwhile, struggles with a suitable response. Leading researcher, Dr. Bilateria, said, 'Look, this is just evolutionary biology. I mean, it's not my fault they excrete stomach acid to digest food, that's... it's not personal'.
As thousands, perhaps millions of stationary starfish sit in protest, their demands are clear: recognition, respect and a written apology for 'body-shaming'. Their ability to actually read such an apology remains in question. Yet, they persist, proving even brainless, bloodless creatures won't tolerate being disarmed of their dignity.
Based on: Starfish Are Basically Bodiless Heads Crawling Around The Ocean, Scientists Say