Space Station Plants Report Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after Attempted Interstellar Tomato Cultivation
Dr. Mire, known in scientific circles for his landmark work on zero gravity horticulture, insists that the crew eat only freeze-dried food as therapy for the traumatized tomatoes continues. 'It's absolutely necessary,' he said, without a sign of jest. 'Plant feelings have long been overlooked in the push towards sustainable space agriculture; the trauma expressed by these tomatoes is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce.'
According to data released from the report, 98% of tomato plant subjects displayed alarming levels of stress hormones after being subjected to conditions akin to space travel. An unexpected statistic, seeing that last year's corn cultivar formally requested Martian colonization for its cadets. NASA was quick to take the corn plants seriously, especially given that they had somehow sneakily procured a lawyer from Plant & Son Attorneys, a well-established terrestrial law firm.
The main culprit behind the tomatoes' trauma seems to be the void of gravity, a realization that has caused daunting waves among botanists hoping to set plants among the stars. In the face of this challenge, Dr. Mire exemplifies stoicism, with every intention to push for a system in space where plants feel heard...and perhaps, loved.
And so, the stellar green thumb remains onboard the ISS, providing one-on-one counseling sessions to the remaining tomato plants. These sessions often include 'ambience enhancement' practices as random episodes of 'The Golden Girls' TV show run in the background, which Dr. Mire claims counteracts the trauma and lights a new path for post-traumatic tomato development.
In response, one of the more vocal tomato plants was quoted saying, 'All we're asking for is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T'. Apparently, it had also sneakily procured a representative from Plant & Son Attorneys.
Based on: NASA: Let's Ketchup on International Space Station Tomato Research