Across the globe, renowned psychics are experiencing a shocking downturn in business as new studies reveal that biofluorescent mammals have become aura-impenetrable.
Just when we thought we vaguely understood the animal kingdom, scientists at the International Fluorescence Institute (IFI) have discovered that practically every mammal species now emits some form of biofluorescent glow under UV light. This shocking anomaly leaves only the dwarf spinner dolphin and mere fluorescent teeth spared from the impressive light show.
These biofluorescent creatures, from the green-glowing guinea pig in your child's bedroom, to the pink-hued raccoons ravaging your trash, have inadvertently become invisible to the psychic gaze. The southern marsupial mole, noted for its almost blindingly fluorescent yellow-white fur, is reported to have caused temporary aura-blindness in one seasoned psychic.
Adding gloom to the psychic industry, Merlinda Bernbaum, a veteran aura reader of 30 years, lamented, 'It's like they've put on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak! I used to see a dozen auras a day, now I see Ashleys complaining they can't find their car keys. It's a travesty!'
Psychic industry statistics demonstrate a steep plummet with a 75% decrease in animal aura reading requests, a cornerstone for many aura readers. Psychic hotlines across the globe are jammed with panicked professionals seeking advice and comfort. The industry's turmoil is as profound as the heartrending squeals of a biofluorescent mole blinded by its own incandescent fur.
Rendall Zarkoff, the IFI's leading researcher, responded to the psychic community's concerns. 'It wasn't our goal to interfere with the psychic reading industry. However, the discovery that biofluorescence effectively hides animals' auras under UV light has given us a new angle to explore.' He quickly added, 'I'm hopeful they'll see the light - metaphorically, of course.'
Based on: Glowing Wombats: Scientists Discover 125 New Species of Fluorescent Mammals