In a disturbing trend sweeping through the classical music world, performances of Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov's 'Flight of the Bumblebee' have reportedly led to a spike in audience heart attacks. New evidence indicates that the soaring crescendos and rapid tempo, previously thought to increase audience-wide synchronicity, could be posing a significant health risk to concert goers.
Researchers at the fictitious Bonkerton Institute of Nonsensical Studies (BINS) have noted a 300% increase in cardiac incidents during orchestral performances in the last quarter. 'The Bumblebee Incident,' as it's been dubbed, is currently under intense scrutiny.
Dr. Gilda Frump, BINS' lead researcher, presented findings suggesting that the incidents occur predominantly during performances of 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' Frump exclaimed, 'It's as if the bumblebee is playing a macabre symphony with our bodies, wreaking apian Armageddon upon our hearts! There's something terrifyingly compelling about this musical mayhem.'
The aptly named Symphony Noir performed the composition at the MusicBox Theatre last month, leading to four audience members requiring emergency hospital treatment. Director Phil Harmonic deemed it 'a confusing and unfortunate resonance' between the musicand health of the audience, going on to announce a temporary cessation of all bee-related music from their repertoire.
However, in an unusual turn of events, avid concert goers are reported tobe flocking to performances of the accursed piece. Dr. Frump theorizes that some people, particularly those of an 'open' disposition, appear to enjoy the heightened physiological response induced by the piece, regardless of the obvious cardiac consequences. She cautioned, 'Classical music should be thrilling, but not life-threatening.'
Meanwhile, a subset of neurotic personalities appears impervious to the cardiovascular chaos wrought by the bumblebee. As Dr. Frump opined, 'Perhaps the neurotics, already skilled at internal turmoil, are naturally immune.'
With this latest scandal, one can't help but pity the bee - a once innocent insect, now responsible for a calamity in the classical world. Perhaps it's time to leave the flying to the birds and the humming to Mother Nature - it appears the human heart wasn't built for bumblebees.
Based on: There's a Strange Cardiovascular Response When People Listen to Classical Music Together