Millions of kaiju fans worldwide have expressed their disappointment that Germany's radioactive boars have not turned into gargantuan, city-destroying beasts. This comes following a report that a significant, and apparently underwhelming, percentage of Germany's wild boars are suffering from radioactivity.
The Science & Technology section of Environmental Digest, in an issue published earlier this month, reported that the boars are consuming contaminated deer truffles carrying radioactive cesium. The truffles, which grow underground, have ingested fallout from past nuclear weapons tests along with the more recent Chernobyl incident. For millions of kaiju fans, however, the exciting part of this revelation fell flat. The boars remain disappointingly normal-sized.
Dr. Franz Klaustenberger, author of the study and noted radiobiologist, despite the influx of fan mail from dismayed Kaiju enthusiasts, reiterates that this is actual science, not science fiction. 'Despite the contamination, the boars will not grow into city-stomping kaijus.', says Dr. Klaustenberger. 'The radiation isn't that movie kind; it's the bad, sickness-causing kind. Life sometimes fails to imitate art.'
The letdown has struck a significant blow to the international kaiju fandom. Interviews with disappointed fans reveal a poignant mix of dejected dreams and resigned acceptance. Bruce McAllister, president of Kaijus Anonymous - North America, states suffering from a 'profoundly personal disappointment.'
'We thought that this was our chance to witness a real-life kaiju, but alas, science had to go ruin it. Now, all we're left with are some slightly glowing pigs,' McAllister lamented, echoing the sentiment of many devotees.
Despite the ensuing disappointment, Kaiju fans are, if anything, resilient and remain hopeful for a bright—preferably nuclear—future. As McAllister optimistically points out, 'Hey, at least we still have the movies.' And they will continue to cling desperately to their popcorns and dreams of atomic megafauna, waiting for the day where fiction becomes reality.
Based on: Bavarian boars may be radioactive because of truffles contaminated by nuclear weapon testing decades ago