Cosmic Transit Agency Announces Hike in Intergalactic Transit Insurance Due to Milky Way's Newfound 'Skirt-like' Shape

In an unexpected move, the Cosmic Transit Agency (CTA) has announced an increase in interstellar commuting insurance premiums. This leap in rates comes in the wake of a recent scientific discovery revealing our Milky Way galaxy, long thought of as a serene, flat sandwich of stardust, is actually flaring at its edges like a cosmic crinoline.

CTA's CEO, Orion Nebulitsovsky, stated in a press conference, 'Since it has come to light that traversing the galaxy now involves navigating a space skirt, the unforeseeable risks associated with this venture necessitates adjustment in our premium charges.'

The recent Nature Astronomy paper titled, 'A Tilted Dark Halo Origin of the Galactic Disk Warp and Flare' forms the basis for this startling rate increase. Authored by esteemed scientists Jiwon Jesse Han, Charlie Conroy, and Lars Hernquist, the research explains the Milky Way's hourlyglass figure is a result of 'kinematic signatures of dark sub-halos'—a technical term the authors clarified as 'small rips in spacetime paved by invisible dark- matter-filled jalopies.'

In layman's terms, these sub-halos are essentially miniature, invisible speed bumps, wildly careening around our galaxy. 'Moving through the Milky Way now has the added risk of facing an interstellar fender bender,' Nebulitsovsky added, when further explaining the agency's decision.

The 'Rate Raiser Reactor', a wunderkind utilizing Bayesian statistics to calculate insurance premium rates, suggested a whopping 37% increase in transit fares due to the new cosmic skew. Small business owners like Glorp McGlon, who runs Zbork's Pleiades Pizza Delivery, are feeling the heat from this hike. 'It's not like my transporter can just avoid invisible, speeding bumps in the road! We're just delivering pizzas, not dodging spectral flares!' McGlon exclaimed at the press conference.

Gone are the days when floating out into the ether involved only worrying about perfect weather patterns and proper astro-navigation. The Milky Way has officially traded in its smooth space highway for a carnival ride. Ladies and gentlemen, buckle up – because it looks like cosmic travel just got a whole lot more 'flaring' expensive.

Based on: Dark Matter and Galactic Collisions: Harvard Astronomers Explain the Milky Way's Mysterious Warp