In a feat of botanical archaeology that would make Edward Scissorhands green with envy, scientists have discovered the world's oldest topiary garden beneath miles of Antarctic ice. This discovery throws a new leafy wrench into the already tangled climate change debate.
A team of ruggedly handsome and intrepid botanists, archaeologists, and ice core analysts were surveying the sub-glacial terrain using satellite images when they noticed some startling patterns. 'We were initially searching for evidence of ancient rivers', said team leader Dr. Douglas Spruce, stroking his impressive chin, 'but what we found was something much stranger: perfect geometric shapes, lines, and swirls - the unmistakable hallmark of ancient topiaries.'
According to Dr. Fern Coppice, the team's leading paleo-topiary analyst, 'These horticultural designs date back a whopping 14 million years, possibly predating the initial growth of East Antarctic ice around 34 million years ago.'
The existence of this prehistoric garden suggests a time when Antarctica may have had a stable and temperate climate capable of sustaining our ambitious bush-shaping ancestors. 'It's like finding an IKEA flat-pack in Tutankhamun's tomb', marveled Professor Oak Barkworth, a top authority in improbably old things.
These hoary-yet-handsome horticulturalists, who we like to imagine looked a bit like Chris Hemsworth with a green thumb, may have only had primitive bush-trimming tools at their disposal. Yet, with their artful hedging, they've thrown modern understandings of climate stability into a windy whirl. 'Who knew topiaries could be such an integral part of environmental history?' exclaimed an excited Coppice.
The team deems it likely that more ancient hedge-fundamentals—ahem, fundamentals—are waiting to be discovered under other parts of Antarctica's ice sheet. 'Imagine', muses Barkworth wistfully, 'an entire Antarctica adorned with frosty topiaries—truly, a sight for sore eyes and cold fingers.'
Meanwhile, the genuinely heartfelt fondness towards topiaries is unlikely to thaw down anytime soon. As gardener-turned-politician, Chrysanthemum Bush aptly puts it, 'In the face of the shape-shifting panorama of climatic patterns, we must seize the day and cut our hedges while we still can.' This newfound discovery is proof that horticultural masterpieces not only effectively contribute towards the physical aesthetics but also serve as an eloquent ecological beacon guiding us through the labyrinthine predicaments of climate change. In short, in hedges we trust.
Based on: Chilling Revelations: Ancient Landscape Discovered Beneath East Antarctic Ice Sheet