Sunshine State neighborhood watch organizations have reported a significant uptick in opportunistic theft by local alligators. Residents, initially beset by dog waste issues, have now found themselves at the center of a reptilian crime ring.
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC), known for their proactive stance on alligator-chaperoned crime, are left scratching their heads. 'Relocating these kleptomaniac alligators would only exacerbate the problem,' said FWC spokesperson Marty Philips. 'They have uncanny homing instincts and would likely return, effectively spreading their crime sprees.'
Local residents have been left to adapt in sometimes, unconventional ways. 'I duct-taped a pool noodle around my Amazon packages. The gators think it's a giant marshmallow and leave it alone,' said Lucia Gomez, an instigator of the neighborhood anti-gator defence plan. 'And if your order gets eaten by a gator, I found out that Amazon's customer service doesn't cover 'Act of Gator'... yet.'
The exact reasons behind this phenomenon are uncertain, but scientists speculate that alligators might have developed a taste for corrugated cardboard due to its textural similarity to turtle shells, a staple in their diet.
Philips of the FWC urges Floridians to keep faith. 'It's their endless adaptability that makes alligators such tenacious survivors. However, we're working on an anti-theft spray that makes packages unappetizing to our reptilian residents - a cross between old boot and sun-baked roadkill is the current front runner.'
In the meantime, Floridians are urged to remain vigilant, secure their packages, and to resist any impulse to dress deliveries in camouflage or disguises as potential turtle food. After all, it's not every day a rampaging reptile runs off with your Restricted Edition Gucci Sneakers. One could say it's an 'only in Florida' problem.