In a historic event that has left Earthlings shell-shocked, NASA astronaut Frank Rubio has shattered yet another record aboard the International Space Station (ISS) – becoming the first off-planet Hungry Hungry Hippos champion. Already renowned for his 215-day stay on the ISS, Rubio can now add intergalactic game master to his already stellar list of achievements.
'We all knew Frank had astro-abilities, but who knew they extended to table-top games?' fellow astronaut and competitor, John 'Stellar Hands' Davidson stated, clearly in awe. 'Within ten minutes of initiating the game, he'd scarfed down more marbles than the combined crew. It was like watching a black hole in action.'
The impromptu toy-themed championship was held on June 5th. The ISS crew, hailing from several countries, grappled with the intricate dynamics of Hippo-chomping in zero gravity. However, Rubio quickly adapted, innovatively using microgravity to his gaming advantage.
'For eons, mankind has pondered alien life,' said Rubio, 'Today, we leap forward in our understanding with this universal truth – aliens would lose miserably at Hungry Hungry Hippos.'
NASA admitted that they had not prepared for this unprecedented event. 'We've planned for every possible disaster,' said NASA official Sarah Granger, 'Alien invasion, meteor collision, we have guidelines for everything. But a cosmic Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament? That's a new one.'
'The game requires ruthless competitive instinct,' explained psychologist Dr. Bernard Edwards, 'It's a primal, back to basics, survival instinct...that and a quick thumb.'
Rubio's winning strategy was surprisingly simple. 'You've just got to out-eat the other hippos,' Rubio said, chuckling. Clearly, these maneuvers were too complex for his opponents to comprehend in the rapid-fire spectacle of marble-gobbling.
NASA worries that other nations will now push their astronaut corps to develop similar off-planet gaming skills. 'I can just see the headlines now: 'Russian Cosmonaut Sets New Tetris Record in Space,'.' muttered one weary official.
Despite the aftermath of this groundbreaking event, spirits on the ISS remain high, with rumors of an upcoming zero-gravity game of Twister swirling. As Rubio concludes, 'We're boldly going where no board gamer has gone before.'
Based on: NASA astronaut Frank Rubio surprised by his space record (video) | Space