Dear Editor,
It is with a robust bowel movement that I read the latest news about NASA's appointment of Mark McInerney as Director of Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena (UAP) Research. With unwavering dedication in its pursuit of astronomical anomalies, it seems NASA is embracing the role of wet blanket at a campfire of conspiracy overzealousness.
And they said the space agency had no sense of humor! To the contrary, while others are out there debating the existence of little green men with a righteous fervor, our dear celestial gatekeepers are tirelessly trying to quell rising tides of unfounded UFO speculations.
In earnest, isn't it amusingly ironic? Since 1958, NASA has stared into the abyss of the cosmos, searching for any sign of life beyond our filmy aerial envelope. Now, their job includes telling Joe from Idaho who saw a 'hovering shiny thing after a Budweiser binge' that no, it wasn't a Martian lightshow.
As a retired astrophysicist spending my golden years studying the more earthbound spectacle of bird migrations, I laud NASA's new role. Back in the day, our desk drawers were filled with letters from citizens swearing they'd been flashed by an extraterrestrial disco, making us more counselors than scientists.
In my experience, it's a futile task. You see, the believers in alien visitations work against logic much like my garden's stubborn weeds defy pesticide. Show them evidence of alien life, they will claim it's an elaborate cover-up. Denounce the existence of extraterrestrial life, and they claim you're denying the 'undeniable proof.'
Why do they do this? Because NASA, like any self-respecting government agency, clearly has infinite time and resources to play 'Space Invaders' all day long. Who needs space exploration, when we can afford to indulge fond fantasies of being the only beings in the universe worthy of an extraterrestrial visit?
In any case, I'll have my telescope set on Mr. McInerney. Let's hope he comes equipped with the infallible patience of Galileo, the tenacity of Copernicus, and the legendary wit of Douglas Adams, for he will certainly need it.
Give my best to the little grey men when they come knocking. Or better yet, don't.
Yours sincerely,
Isaac 'not-an-alien' Newfarb II
Based on: NASA appoints new head of UFO research