Omaha, Nebraska - Despite leading a life that the average hog could only dream of, Thomas the pet pig is deep in existential crisis, worried about becoming 'too bacon-y'.
Thomas' owner, freelance yoga instructor Muriel P. Frumkin, has been regularly updating her blogspot followers about the devolving stress levels of her erstwhile unflappable pet pig. According to Muriel, Thomas has been oinking with increased trepidation and refusing to guzzle down his truffle-infused swill, resulting in an unfortunate yet undeniable likeness to the beloved breakfast food.
"He used to love sundaes and belly rubs," a sobbing Muriel confirmed during her weekly Facebook livestream on Wednesday. "Now, he just wallows in mud, worrying about turning into a side dish."
Muriel adopted Thomas five years ago from the Schnauzer and Hogs United Rescue Missions (SHURM), thinking it would be a great addition to her growing family of eccentric pets. But no one foresaw that the substantially pampered pig would start noticing an unsettling resemblance to its commercially consumed counterparts.
"It's a serious concern," noted Dr. Hyman C. Plectrum, a local top-ranked vet and renowned animal psychoanalyst at the Veterinary Consulting Endeavors and Research Institute. After performing a comprehensive evaluation of Thomas's mental state, Dr. Plectrum concluded that the pig appears to be suffering from a unique case of swine dysmorphia.
"He's been perusing butcher shop windows and showing signs of emotional distress that could be attributed to PPSD: Post-Pork-Sausage Disorder," Dr. Plectrum added, articulating his leading theory behind Thomas' plight. His team is currently working on a report to be submitted at next month's meeting of the National Association for Animal Psychiatry.
With Thomas refusing to indulge in any activity associated with breakfast, Muriel has had to drastically alter their family ecosystem. The monthly 'Breakfast with Pets' event has been cancelled, numerous Wham posters (featuring Thomas' favourite pop icon George Michael) have been taken down from the walls, and Thomas' best buddy, Scramble the rooster, has been momentarily moved to the garage for causing undue stress with his morning crowing.
"Oh, I miss my fat, jolly little pig," Muriel expressed through trembling voice during her sign-off, cradling a pancake-heavy dish as the familiar sounds of 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' played sadly in the background.
As the world waits with bated breaths for the resolution of Thomas' bacon-fearing drama, inspiring a new genre of swine thriller titled 'From Piglet to Pancetta', one can only hope that this humble, garden-dwelling pig would embrace his appearance, spending winter without worrying about looking like a serving of Crispy-fried or Honey-glazed breakfast.