If any public gathering deserves punch and pie more than our grand unveiling of Bethesda's Baldur Gate 3, it hasn't happened yet. After more years than a 'How I met Your Mother' reunion and only slightly less teasing, the gaming world finally restores its cosmic balance. But let's not bore ourselves with heartfelt narratives of heroic battles and nefarious villains. Instead, gather 'round, as we recount the ballad of Brave Steve of Accounting and his pursuit of the elusive Ecru Teapot of Picayune from none other than the ferocious dragon, Kevin.
Now imagine this. A universe that hums with the ordinary, even in the face of eerie dungeons and monstrous behemoths. Kind of like having dragons and wizards in a Staples. It's in this universe, that our Average Joe, Steve, decides to eschew legendary weapons and ground-breaking campaigns and embark on a quest as stirring as cold oatmeal.
Kevin, the dragon in question, is a force of terror who would have provoked nightmares in the hearts of mortals, if not for his binge-watching fixation on Disney+, and a somewhat embarrassing addiction to Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Is it terrifying? About as much as running out of marshmallows on smores day. But does it echo Generation Z's lockdown life? Right on the money, baby!
Steve's quest sees him skirting danger in the form of nefarious traps, stacks of menacing tax forms, and the soul-sucking voids of overdue project deadlines. Despite the adrenaline rush akin to watching paint dry, our Steve marches forth, fueled by valor and a packed lunch.
When bumbling Steve finally comes to blows with Kevin, the scene doesn't depict a beast breathing fire to protect its precious trinket. Picture instead, a dragon ensnared by the inescapable clutches of yet another rerun of "The Big Bang Theory - Draconian Edition". Spotting the distracted dragon, Steve pocketed the Teapot faster than you can say "Tax exemption".
That's the awe-inducing saga of Steve, his Teapot and Kevin, the Netflix-consuming Dragon. Future generations won't sing of his legendary valor, but might find a heartwarming reference to his punctuality at board meetings, or his perpetual quest for tax rebates.
Let us raise a toast to our balding knight, Sir Steve, the unassuming hero of Baldur's Gate 3. Proving that even the mundane can ascend to epic proportions, as he demonstrates that life, even within the most high fantasy settings, has an uncanny knack of resembling, well, life itself. As Bethesda reminds us, no fantasy game is complete without a touch of drudgery. Let's see what other ordinary iron they'll pull out of the fire next.